Chance's Weekend Update: 05/18/2008

"America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair."
-Arnold Toynbee

Another weekend closer to graduation and things keep getting crazier a around here. First things first, earlier in the week I let a bunch of the freshman into our dorms so that they could fill Brian and Sharks rooms up with balloons (220 of them)--it was awesome, they even made a killer video of it that I am working on getting a link for by next week. Also this weekend was SpringFest at NCC, that means we were rocking out hardcore to an 80s tribute band in the rain, campus safety officers were all over pretending to be real police, and there are broken things all over campus--it was awesome. On another awesome note, I have heard through the grapevine that my update gets forwarded around a lot. From my perspective around 100 people read it, but I am hearing reports of many more...so if you get this as a forward but would like a permanent spot of your own on my mailing list, reply back to me and I would be more than happy to add you. In case you missed it, Friday night's track meet had some sweet action in the 4x400m relay. In first place, our 'A' team qualified for Nationals with the fastest time in the country...and in last place, our 'D' team (made up of distance guys--not sprinters--Shark, Kennedy, Brian, and myself) finished off our collegiate track careers in style...and half tights. Anyways, Have a Great Week!

Some things that don't suck:

GOOG 411, it is kind of like real 411 only free and better...dial 1-800-GOOG-411 from any phone, say where you are and what you are looking for and they will connect your for free (and depending on your cell phone settings can text you directions or the actual location on a map)

Rocket Man (Courtesy of Shark) "Hang gliders are for girls" said Yves Rossy....okay not really, but that is what he meant when he strapped on his fixed wing jet powered backpack and flew around the Alps @ 180 mph...so awesome

The Coolest Pen EVER...called the PulsePen. It has a voice recorder, a loud speaker, and a tiny camera that records the words you write....then the coolest part is that later if you go tap the pen on the words you wrote it will replay the audio it recorded while you were writing--perfect for notes in class or an interview--also if you tap another word it will skip to exactly that section of audio.

"This double-action camping/serial killer tool combines a compact axe and a lightweight knife with 3-inch blade that stores inside the axe handle" - online review. But for real, with my Colorado trip just a couple weeks away I have been looking around these camping sites and this handy little tool is one of the sweetest things I have seen in awhile.

Getting a college B-Ball Scholarship as an 8th Grader, Seriously though, Michael Avery is a 6ft 4in tall fourteen-year-old who was just made an offer to play college ball for Kentucky--after he finishes high school of course.

The Cubs, This week they signed Jim Edmonds, are ten games over 500, and I got tickets to the June 1st game for $15. Hell yeah.

The Sky is not falling...but it is barely staying up...U.S. Economic growth of 0.1% means no recession--it does mean weakest positive growth rate in 17 years--but hey, at least our heads are above water going into the summer spending months.

Finally having evidence that woman can't be trusted...if you watch nothing else this week, watch this...and then send it to all of your single sons, brothers, and friends just to give them a heads up of what they are up against these days.

Some things that do:

Dating a Murderer, WTF....I repeat...WTF...Drew Peterson, the Bolingbrook Police chief famous for killing his last two wives and getting away with it has a new girlfriend, she is 22 and clearly an idiot:

"They're like, 'We're 100 percent positive he killed them. His family thinks he killed them. You're going to be next,'" she said. "And I'm like, 'Then why isn't he in jail?'"

On a side note, her Mom called the cops...The soon-to-be missing little lady recently spent the night at Peterson's but claimed that "nothing physical happened," which was quickly put to rest by Drew--always the gentleman--following up with,"Never 'nothing' physical,"...Asshole.

Being anyone else but us...(literally U.S.)..., I came across this slide slow of some of the craziest weapons that the US has come up with over the past twenty years or so...some are just a little weird like the "puke flashlight" and the "gay bomb" which get the results the name imply...while other are slightly more sinister...like the "Active Denial System" a microwave for people...only it looks like a satellite dish and can be pointed at you or the "Rail Gun" very similar to the gun Arnold Schwarzenegger used in the best movie of 1996--Eraser--except that the chunk of metal (no explosive at all) can hit a 5-meter target from 200 nautical miles away with the force of a tomahawk missile...ouch.

Drake Student Arrested for throwing M&Ms at Police, While I am all about respecting authority, a decent amount of police--especially campus police are d-bags. So the 20-yr-old throwing candy coated chocolates in defense of his friend seems reasonable enough to me...but then the police stepped up their game and arrested him, so he had to step up his and piss all over the back seat of their car...

Two weeks until the Illinois Budget deadline for next year and legislators are praying for a miracle. In case you forgot, last year's overtime cost taxpayers over a millions dollars--including round trip airfare home every night for the good Gov'na...anyways, I am hoping that he has time to show up this year and iron out that 3/4 of a Billion dollar budget deficit in between testifying about his corruption.

Until Next time,
-Chance Kelch